Existential Pleas and Resignations Mad Libs

By on Tue 20 December 2011

This is by Ed Murray, and is taken from The 4-Hour Work Week, by Timothy Ferris. It just screams “4chan meme” that I can’t help but post it!

Dear [preferred deity of choice],

I realised something very [adjective] today as I was washing my [animal], and that something is this: You are a/an [adverb] cruel [personal expletive pronoun].

Last night, after drinking seven shots of [least favourite spirit] and [smoking/snorting/shooting] enough [drug] to make [politician] blush, it became clear: It really is them, and not me.

I am the one who is completely [helpless state of being] when it comes to the [favourite colour] personal relationships in my life, and yet, I share my innermost [type of candy] with no one else on this [adjective] planet … because they are all [insulting adjective] [extinct animals].

I [emotion] them all, and I hope they meet a [adjective] demise choking on a platter of their own [Applebee’s appetiser].

This [adjective] catharsis made me feel [smiley emotion] and strangely alone, simultaneously. How can I connect with these [herd animals] I am surrounded by on a daily basis? I am just so sick of [synonym for “crying”] in the [part of house] every day … Maybe it would help if I shoved a fistful of [vegetables] into my [bodily orifice]. It makes my heart [verb] when I see the defeat in my parents’ [body parts], and it becomes [adverb] clear that they love the [type of car] more than [sibling’s name] … Maybe I should stab my [genitalia] with a [sharp object].

Today I have decided to buy a [noun], which will serve as a [metaphor], and as a [timeless adjective] symbol for the [expletive]-faced servitude I am bound to in this life … no more in control than the most [adjective]-minded of [farm animals]. I am trying desperately to [“st_p”] myself from [active violent act] all of my cow-orkers … except [person in the room]. I’ve always wanted to [forceful sexual act] him/her/it. I didn’t ask to be [verb].

If reincarnation does exist, please leave me out of it.

One response to “Existential Pleas and Resignations Mad Libs”

  1. Kain says:

    Dear Anubis,

    I realised something very furry today as I was washing my pikachu, and that something is this: You are a swimmingly cruel cunt.

    Last night, after drinking seven shots of cheap brandy and snorting enough coke to make W blush, it became clear: It really is them, and not me.

    I am the one who is completely fainted when it comes to the cyan personal relationships in my life, and yet, I share my innermost Skittles with no one else on this illusory planet … because they are all irritating trilobites.

    I soothe them all, and I hope they meet a metallic demise choking on a platter of their own won ton tacos chicken.

    This noisy catharsis made me feel (o^;^o) and strangely alone, simultaneously. How can I connect with these tauroses I am surrounded by on a daily basis? I am just so sick of wailing in the pantry every day … Maybe it would help if I shoved a fistful of oran berries into my ears. It makes my heart surf when I see the defeat in my parents’ spleens, and it becomes softly clear that they love the Trabant more than Ash … Maybe I should stab my vas deferens with a super rod.

    Today I have decided to buy a pokéball, which will serve as a container, and as a static symbol for the bitch-faced servitude I am bound to in this life … no more in control than the most trippy-minded of goatse. I am trying desperately to stirrup myself from hyper-beaming all of my cow-orkers … except Misty. I’ve always wanted to gangbang her. I didn’t ask to be sleeping.

    If reincarnation does exist, please leave me out of it.

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